Monday, February 22, 2010

Fork In The Road

I haven't been to your blog lately. Or gotten any projects done. Or slept much. The sleep thing is my own fault though - well, actually its the fault of the Olympics. Why on earth do they have to run until 11:30 at night? And all the good stuff happens at the end. Oh, and its Matt's fault too, because he was in Hawaii - I can never get to bed before midnight when he's away :) Anyway! What I have been doing was/is trying to be a better person in Real Life.
Santa and Buddy the Elf making toys

I had a revelation while the kids were off from school with all the snow. You could say it was a fork in the road. I saw myself with 2 paths ahead of me - one led to a rich and happy family life, and the other led to me probably ending up alone because I'd alienated everyone around me. You see, I'm not always convinced I'm cut out for the at-home mom thing. Not that I mind the at-home part, I'm actually a homebody. It's the mom part. To say I'm not the most patient person around is probably a vast understatement. The constant whirlwind of noise and activity and someone always needing something wears me down and I end up feeling resentful and like I can't breathe. And then the yelling begins. Especially so when the small people aren't cooperating.
There seems to be less and less time these days to complete chores, work on projects and just get stuff DONE, and I'm not sure why. I have a sneaking suspicion that it's related to the two smallest people in the house. Even a year ago, at ages one and two, there seemed to be more time in the day. Maybe it's just that they are all just a little older and more demanding of my attention; and while I thought having William in school all day would ease things up a bit, it's actually gotten tougher, as he now has homework and some after school activities too.

I realized one evening after a stupid argument with my better half that this is my life, and yes it's crazy, but it's mine to live to my best ability. These are my kids to raise as well as I can, and I am so grateful that they are all happy and (as far as we know) healthy. I could continue on as I was, and pass my neurotic controlling tendencies and crappy attitude (aka crapitude) on to my kids, or I could try to improve my own self and see if that behavior is emulated by them. Because honestly, I haven't been thrilled with some of the sassy things coming out of their mouths - especially the girls.

So I'm trying to take things in stride more, and hopefully yelling less. I'm trying to organize my day better so that there is time for exercise, to play with the kids, time for myself, and time for my husband. And I'm trying to not stuff my face with m&ms due to frustration. Because when I reach the end of the road I'd rather be surrounded by my happy family and not be the batty old fat lady in a rocker with hundreds of cats. With all the coffee I drink, hopefully I'm staving the batty part off :)

17 comments:

  1. So you're saying you don't wanna end up like ME?? Weird.
    Girl, you've got a full plate. In fact I think you have more than one plate. I think you are sweet. When I read your blog I picture a sweet person. Who may or may not get short tempered at times...but we all do. Don't be so hard on yourself. :)

    ReplyDelete
  2. That video made me smile! Too funny! Don't beat yourself up...you are human just like the rest of us! I've really tried to work on having a more gentle tone at home. You are a great mom. Lack of sleep can make you crazy...that's what I would say it is. Great job on the Shred. I agree, I need more cardio too.

    Darling pics!

    ReplyDelete
  3. Hugs to you!!! My hubby is out of town for the month....(part of his ops team in Hawaii, too....hmmmm)

    I completely understand. I think our 4 are about the same ages. I have been thee....and currently I am staying up until at least 1 am. Not nearly enough sleep.

    Just wanted to know that you are not alone.... :)

    ReplyDelete
  4. I've only got one child and feel like I can't finish anything and often the loudest thing in the house is me. I (quietly) decided that as part of lent I'm trying to be a bit more laid back at home...hmmm, don't ask how that's working out.

    The Olympics will be over soon and life/sleep schedules will be back to normal, right? :)

    ReplyDelete
  5. I am a yeller too. I hate it, but I am. I set myself up with goals every week to yell less, be more patient & just try to have more fun with my kids. Some weeks it doesn't work, but some it does! Hang in there nobody said being a mommy was an easy thing... especially when you have to try to keep up a whole house too. :)

    ReplyDelete
  6. I've been feeling the same way lately...I'm trying to do too much and I know it.

    ReplyDelete
  7. Oh how this post speaks to me.... I have been hating myself these past few weeks. It seems as though I have been yelling more and having fun less. I seem to always struggle, but lately it seems worse. I swear its the lack of sunshine :( Like you I am TRYING to make more time, let things go, and stress less, but its hard! Hang in there girl :) We have all been there :)

    ReplyDelete
  8. I only have three kiddos, and there are {many} days that I feel like I'm getting nothing accomplished. It's frustrating! But how wonderful that you know what you want to change and are working toward it. Hugs ♥

    ReplyDelete
  9. Oh I know what you are saying! You are a great mom. Your kids are so small - it is a hard time in life. I was where you are a few years ago. Jeff is always gone and doing things on my own was so hard. It's ok to have a bad day or a bad stretch. I feel the same way right now. I am wondering why I am doing all of this blog stuff. I love the friendships but not pressure. What am I doing and why? It's good that you know how you are feeling and what to do to help yourself cope. You are an awesome mom and friend!

    ((hugs))
    Jen

    ReplyDelete
  10. Lovely to see so much support from your friends here. I think the thing that causes the most frustration is when things are not inline with how we think we should be living our lives. We tell ourselves, we should be happier, have a cleaner house, be more patient, less angry etc etc. It brings on a feeling of hopelessness. I think that the changes you are thinking about making will make you feel more empowered and shift you to being closer to how you want to live your life. Remember...baby steps. Hang in there. I know exactly where you're coming from.

    ReplyDelete
  11. Oh you spoke my heart- for years I had convinced myself that I wasn't a good SATM and that was why I worked. Now that I am home with Ian, I am realizing it is all a matter of perspective- there are days when the kids get off the bus and I just want to send them back to school!!!!! And then I gulp that frustration down and thank God that I have frustration b/c without it, I'd not have my lovely babies!!
    Thanks for being so honest!
    ~Becca

    ReplyDelete
  12. I always say that I would love to have more babies and stay at home with them all, but reality sets in and I remember that I too have thin patience and wonder if I could ever really be successful. But even with just Stella I worry about being the best mom I can be. It sounds to me like you're doing awesome!

    ReplyDelete
  13. The Olympics are keeping me up far too late too!!!

    Jen - you are a great mom and I can only imagine what it's like to have my little guy x 4...having the one I have is enough work!! Hang in there.

    ReplyDelete
  14. Your children are absolutely adorable! You sound like a terrific Mom to me!

    ReplyDelete
  15. Oh Jen, I so get where you are. Life is hard and everyday you have to do it all over again. We know our kids won't thank us until they have kids of their own but until then we must blog, enjoy our friends and remind ourselves that there is nothing else more worthwhile than creating a family.

    ReplyDelete
  16. I am SO in the same boat and going through the same thing. I am a yeller. I have no patience. I will send out your "WORDS" bulletin in tomorrow's mail.
    Hang in there. Clearly there are a lot of us in this Crapitude Boat.

    ReplyDelete

Comments are awesome :) Leave one!

Popular Posts